Compiled by Biographer Jeroen de Valk
The origins of beardedlamb are complex and rife with contradiction. He was born on a small dairy farm in 1979 on the coast of Japan's beautiful Minamata Bay. Destined for the slaughter, he knew he had to do impress the farmer of said small dairy farm. From deep within him, he found the jewel of theatre. Overnight, he would stay awake and rehearse monologues; Shakespeare, Mamet, Beckett, the classics. He discovered something almost supernatural inside him. It was as if he were some kind of super lamb able to recite the world's most difficult theatre without being able to speak or comprehend simple math. As the farmer would awake in the new morning, he would stand outside his window and recite his soul's worth of monologue. The farmer didn't seem to notice. He was blind to our lamb's talents and on 4 October, 1981 he was sent to the slaughter.

Packed onto a cart with his five brothers and sisters, he thought mightily on a plan of action. Could this be the end of our lamb and his fluffy siblings? How would he save them from being turned into meals? And who was chewing on his ear? Once he figured out it was his sister, Annette, he got her to stop chewing so he could think.

But it was too late. Off the cart they were pushed and into a large smelly barn they went. Foreign sounds could be heard all around them. Lambs cried for their mothers and feared impending doom. Worker humans yelled and laughed. Machinery howled and mashed. But our special little lamb was not crying. He was still plotting. He scoped out the barn intensely and kept his family close by. He saw his chance and hopped onto a nearby grinder/sinew sorter. With supernatural vigor and hopeful elation he delivered the infamous "DOG!" monologue from Johann Wolfgang von Goethe's Faust.

The entire barn was silent. The lambs stopped crying, the men stopped yelling, the grinders and meat partitioners slowed to a halt. It was as if he had a special power and was now finally honing its force. He slowed to deliver the final line. There was a pause that seemed to go on for hours. The stench sank under the little lamb feet. And all at once, as if on cue, the entire pack erupted into a furious rage. Some headed for the door, some went for the humans, our hero sought out his family. He found Annette forcing the remains of one of the workers into a metal tin labeled "Kenji's Lamb Pate." They located the others and escaped with all their limbs and lambskins.

Over the years, he traveled the Japanese countryside in search of other lambs that had the same burning passion for theatre that he possessed. As he grew, he developed a grizzly red beard; uncharacteristic for one of his species. But then again, he was never one to conform and his hormones certainly reflected that. Unable to find lambs in his same tiny shoes, he elected in 1989 to have a controversial surgery to become human. Respected veterinary surgeon and genetics wizard, Dr. Med. Ole Olsen Malm, performed the procedure and was an international hero upon its success. Our lamb knew this is how he would share his gift of theatre with the world. He chose a Christian name, beardedlamb, and delved into the human side of life. He truly is a miracle, even though he was meant to be a sacrifice.
Jeroen de Valk, 2003
bl: Well, thank you Jereon. I've never had anyone biographt me before. It feels good.
Well, the following is my upbringing from a more personel perspective.
Here's my Mom on holiday in Ethiopia, 1968. She tried to get a handshake from Haille Selassie but a scrunchy-faced man pushed her out of the way. She touched him, thogh. Highly sweet!
Here's my ant Mauve fresh off the boat from New Zealand, 1962 on her way to the slaughter. I never met her but my Mom said she was beautiful inside.
This is my uncle Mick, 1992. He had his horns removed for tax purposes. He says its hard to get dates now. That's funny.
This was my first "taste" of fame. Billie Jean King came to play a tenis tournament in Japan and decided to come visit the farm in 1981. Somebody thought it was newsworthy and put it in the Minamata Picayune. Here I was howning my monologue skills, studying the classics, perfecting Aeschylus and they have me pose for this stupid trite crap. I would never sell out like this again.
This is my first print advertisement. I was having trouble finding gigs because I was a lamb.
This was the first time I did improv. The Improv Bandits called me up on stage while on holiday in Auckland, 1985. and I pretended to be an ice sculpture for there party quirks game. I had no idea it would become my passion as a human.
Here I am as Iago, 1985. My fellow actors were less than stunning to say the least. They never found a black sheep as they promised and Desdmona was played by a duck. Very destracting. Nonetheless, some of my best work, all time.
These are the evil twins, Maury and Manny. They were my manager and agent from 1982-1983 before I went on the road for myself. They lied to me the whole time, to. They stole money and jobs from me and they aren't even realy twins. But, it's alright because they were slaughtered right after this picture was taken.
My headshot, 1987, once the beard had grown in. Now you see why I changed my name. I mean, I love my Mom, but damn.
This was my first girlfreind, Blue, 1986. She was a little weird. I'll admit that's probably why I was into her. She was an herbalist. She always blabbed about how her name would be Blue Skye if we got married and how she thought that was the funiest thing in the world. I guess she also thought it was funny to take a shitload of my tapes when she moved out. I'm not laughing. I'm just missing my Air Greatest Hits.
This is my best friend in the hole world, Shoguri. This is dawn after his 8th birthday party, 1986. He's so wasted. We're just chillin' outside a 7-11 in Okinawa. Sorry, it's blurry.
We thought this was my little cousin, Yugi. I don't know how he ended up in Sweden. My Mom emailed this picture to me a few months ago. She said she knew it was him because he wasn't answering his cell phone and the musculature. It turned out he was just sleeping. My Mom can be kind of crazy sometimes. I wonder who that actually is. Maybe its Blue. I wonder if this means I'll be geting my tapes back. I've had a serious jones for some Bread for quiet a while.
This is a screen capture from my first television ad. It appeared during a replay of the Bud Bowl on TNN, 1988. It was for Land's End sweaters. Kind of demeaning. Oh, and that's my Grandpa, Riddles. No one could ever figure out why his name was Riddles...
This is me with some lady, 1986. I had just auditioned for this community theatre production of Annie in Ceder Rapids, Iowa (I needed money.) I was just walking down the road trying to get a cab and she grabs me and squeezes me like its going in style. Look at how scared I am. Well, it might have been a residual face after my cold reading of Pun Jab which didn't realy seem to impress. Anyway, I saw this in a Reader's Digest the next month in an ad for continence. They're lucky I didn't shit all over like I thought I was going to. Wouldn't have helped there ad. I would have sued them for not paying me but I didn't have enough money for a lawyer, or opposable thumbs to dial a phone.
Incidentally, this was when I first noticed the beard was coming in. I was freaked out at first but I got used to it.
This is the first night I met bebe, 1987. Shoguri and I were at Mt. Fuji's discoteque in Nagoya. We danced a couple of times on and off and eventually we were just hanging around each other and talking. Shoguri took this picture. He stood up on a table to impress this hot ewe and we ran over. She was hot but I wasn't really paying to much attention because I had found my own hottie.
We talked a long time that night. We really connected. She had also had to escape slaughter and did theatre, to. She does performance art which is sometimes lost on me but most of the time its just beautiful.
Just like bebe.
This is bebe and me outside her show at the Art Institute in Chicago, 1989. I had shaved because I was going to Norway the next day for my surgery. It was a pretty nervous time but she realy helps to calm me.
Want more info about my origins? Drop me a line.
beardedlamb EAT atxentertainment DIRT com