beardedlamb: mars 2005

i was on WGN

SILLY DANCES

when i'm ninety i'll be able to tell my kids that i was once on wgn, dancing.

b

well, i DO like touring

bearded beefcake potential

the guy in the middle looks like an accidental addition to the tour. or maybe the owner's cousin.

comedy,
b

photogs

comedy stache

I think this guy's in the wrong business.

Edinboro College in Pennsylvania hooked us up real nice with lodging at a concept inn on the outside of town. The twelve rooms in the hotel were numbered 1 - 12 each representing a different month in the year. This is December which has a decidedly Christmasian feel.

January had a cooler winter feel and came with one half-naked Joplin.

One of the stops where Ace had to exit the vehicle to expunge his insides onto pure white snow.

Rip Taylor Lives ~flurry of confetti~

that is all,
b

big post

big post

the post to end all posts. the one that brings em back. the post of a century.
gonna roll with poems, short story snippets, and a show run down of the last cupholder tour.

i go to gas pumps a lot, cuz we're on the road so much. i've noticed that at a lot of the pumps there is a sign that says, "Do not leave gas pumps unattended." I'm guessing this is just in case something happens. Well, what's probably going to go wrong is some fire might happen, and if fire happens when I'm attending the pump, I'm going to leave it unattended for damn sure. this is a faulty sign. needs to be reworded. it should say, "We messed up when we put that little clickey thing in the handle that allows you to just put it on full speed and take your hand off. That was our bad and we understand you have to pee and it's cold out here. Go ahead and leave the pump unattended. If it blows up, you don't want to be anywhere near it anyway." That's what the sign should say.

here's a poem that i don't really like because it seems cliche...
-------
random general directions
lead to manual erections
parliamentary elections

i redesign my bathroom
populate your tomb
fly away on yo mama's broom

trip the switch
to shock the snitch
i once made a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich

unforgettable phone calls
old lady bingo hall brawls
my Dad's friend was Biggie Smalls

step off a cloud
float and scream aloud
pop the chute or hit the ground

sort the mail today
72 bills to pay
personal demons to slay
-------
see what i mean?

Another country song (Disclaimer: This song is not about my Dad. It's about something else.)
------
Papa's Gone

Clear the barn,
Slaughter them pigs.
Must have been the drinking,
or maybe the cigs.

Once we talked about money,
Then hung up the phone.
I called you again
and you were gone.

Chorus: Sell the boat
Sell the throne
Clean out the castle
Papa's Gone

Now tween you and me,
You know the verse.
From the start things were bad,
And only got worse.

This business of you dyin',
Has got me sighing.
Got a little money now to help me along,
I can't say I'm happy, my pappy is gone.

Chorus: Sell the boat
Sell the throne
Clean out the castle
Papa's Gone

BANJO SOLO (sad)

Haven't been to the farm,
In quite some time.
10 years gone by,
Since I seen Mamma cry.

Gained a little weight,
But she ain't cryin' now.
Prolly get that treadmill,
And a real fine couch.

She'll be living in the city
Till she passes on.
Finally she's a Queen,
Papa has gone on.

Chorus: Sell the boat
Sell the throne
Clean out the castle
Papa's Gone
---------

I am lazy and have a short attention span so writing whole stories is difficult. Instead I present some lines to stories I may someday write.

- Time slowed down and Gustav recalled the doorknob.

- Geronimo sealed the deal with a waxy kiss.

- "Yeah, I'm bald, " he said with an orangey grin. "What of it?"

- Ferns. Everywhere ferns.

- "Geronimoooooooo," said the cow.

- Jones flicked on the light and cupped his breasts gently.

- "Repo this, James Garner."

- Restaurant sized portions of meat always filled him up, but she grew increasingly nervous around tables.

- "I guess you could say there's a fungus among us, " he said with a huge smile. Everyone in the room did not make eye contact with him after this.

And here are some endings to stories I'll probably never write.

- Smeared on the bough were the letters Q W E R T Y

- And a curvy Calipso dancer danced on his grave the next morning.

- Klause sat down, stood up, and sat down.

- Gloworm skipped home to his cult, never to be seen again.

- And then, Oklahoma exploded.

- The End.

- Flag Day would never be the same again.

- From that day forward, he knew the true meaning of the word angina.

- She kicked his testicles and the engine started. This would be the beginning of their beautiful life together.
---------

So here's a rundown of the last couple weeks of cupholder action.

March 11 - Set out to Dayton, OH for the first of seven days of work in a row. Our longest stretch so far. The van mileage was at 68,540 and would end up at 70,470 by the end of the tour. It was also our fist trip with XM satellite radio, an awesome purchase by one of our principle investors. Thanks, Pops.
Watched the early show (Smarty Pants) at The Quest Theater where we would be performing. Had a discussion about girls and annoying audience members with one of the show's cast members. Did the show. It was a longform about an assassination attempt on a corrupt mayor who was sleeping with his secretary, the wife of the semi-protagonist, a friend of the reptile store owner who was crazy and loved hot chocolate. The audience was well in hand early and by the end of it we had them fully captive. Roughly 45 mins. Went to intermission and came back. Jammed with the early show group on some freeze tag. Something I'm coming to really love. It mixes things up for us so we're not always just working with the same four chodes and it opens us up for the crowd. They see we're sweet in the early portion of the show but still willing to play with whoever for the jam. Went well.

March 12 - Drive from Dayton to Columbus for a late show at the Mad Lab, a place I've done some solo shows. Typically small crowds that are really into improv. The show was about a two couples. One was a typical middle aged couple on the rocks. She wanted more intellectual stimulation, he just wanted to get through life. The other couple was a homicidal tattoo fiend with a normal boyfriend who was constantly trying to impress her. Her father had taught her to never let men get between her and the art of killing. The husband from our first couple gives his wife excitement by killing people in a movie theatre, and the second couple get married after the semi-ghost of the warrior girl's father okays the weasily boyfriend. Atypical plot line for us with some cool twists and unexpected surprises. Overall, a great show.

March 13 - Day off. Chilled in Dayton at my grandparents house, played basketball with Wooz, a guy we met at the Mad Lab the night before. Mike almost got into a fight with a 35 year-old dude at the gym where we were playing. Comedy Gold.

March 14 - Drive to Cleveland to play a split-bill show with locals, Improvisato at the Dobama Theatre. House was semi-light and the show was strange. Audience was packed with Bill's relatives, one of whom I interviewed for my Bigly Huge opener. Ratzo, Bill's aunt was a perfect interview guest. However, my stupid and inexplicable issues with the form bogged me doan and killed my confidence. I shut it down early. The cupholder show was full of pitfalls. We had name confusion early and it was a classic two battling groups story. Something the jury played out far too often on stage. The show ended alright and salvaged an otherwise crummy showing.

March 15 - Drive to Siena Heights University for a college gig. We were in a strange hall type room with awkward lighting. The audience was light and partially uninterested in our work. People left at points. Later we came to find out that across the way from where we were there was a dance and a traveling game show with student contestants happening. Oh, and also an inflatable castle that people could jump in. Sometimes the priorities of college students confuses me. To be fair, the show was weak. It involved a high school and the usual scheming. Not a fan personally.

March 16 - The big drive from Adrian, MI to Marquette, MI approximately 8 hours. Then we would do a show at 8pm. Ace had a mild case of food poisoning that had him doing nasty things on the other side of a snow bank on the side of the road. But the show was considerably more fulfilling. If they could all go like this, we would be much happier dudes. College show for Northern Michigan University in a beautiful town right on Lake Superior. I can't say enough great things about a school that has a troupe doing regular shows. They seem to always get good crowds for us. These guys, On the Spot, opened up and did some tight game work. We did our longform for around 200+ in a lecture hall setting. The show was really good. We had a Dr. Moreau type character (obviously Ace) who was hold up in a cave and tormenting the local town. Cops and relatives did what they could to save the poor guy, but alas, his own nuclear reactor was set off destroying pretty much everything. Then again with the jam with the local troupe. Again freeze tag. Went amazingly. Couldn't have asked for a better show and a better environment with which to thrive as artists. Oh and then they took us out for pizza, beautiful.

March 17 - Workshop with On the Spot. Went really well. Taught them some good stuff and planted the scene seed. I love going into a game environment and planted the seed of longform. I feel like I'm spreading some sort of positive disease. Made friends with everybody. And they're probably going to bring us back in the fall. Yippeee.
Drive home to stay in Chicago on our way to Rock Island.

March 18 - Drive to Rock Island, IL for a college show at Augustana. Coffeehouse setting, strange audience. We elected to go with a flowy show instead of longform judging by the space. It had some moments. No one left. I laughed my ass off at a couple of points although the audience just seemed stunned. There's something we're not doing sometimes at the beginning of shows and I don't know what it is, but improv is only impressive when you understand what the hell it is. Most people don't have a clue what it is and therefore are not impressed when it happens. "Where's the recurring Cheerleading characters and wacky prop games?" We're not SNL. We're not Whose Line. How come every band can be different and judged on their music, but every comedy troupe either does sketch or game improv. Uphill battle. I'm on it.

A great week overall. I'm really tired of typing now. My wrist kind of hurts. Anyway, a great week of shows where we made some connections for the future, met Bill's grandma and proved our pants off. I love touring like I love my mother and that's a lot, folks.

Well, there might be one of these show journal things in an upcoming edition of BLOG but for now I have to do something else. my pinky just fell off and i don't even use that one to type.

good night and happy easter,
b

boy, i feel really guilty now. here i promised all this great stuff that's already written in a notebook from the road and then i don't deliver. and now i'm going on another vacation, uh, i mean tour in ten minutes. i'll make it up to you. i swear. just don't leave me like i'm slowly leaving you.

i shall return with fervor. and fervour for all you british fans.

b

been a while

sorry for the absence of blogtion. big tour take much wind from me. be back shortly with lots of goodies. hang in there.

b

big tour

embark on the biggest cupholder tour yet tomorrow. i should sleeping right now but instead i'm making press kits for cruise lines and schools so we can get them out before we hit the road. just wanted to check in and say so long.
see you soon. i should have many writings to put up here when i get back. and more time to post, too.

sorry blogateers.

going dark...

b

double homicide and i still ain't nervous

you know the feeling. you're out of town and you hear briefly about a grizzly double murder involving a federal judge. you know what i'm saying, right? then you head back home only to hear that the grizzly double murder involving the federal judge actually happened two blocks from your house. you know the feeling.
yes, a mere two blocks from my house, two people were killed and stashed in a basement. i can't help but think of the men who lived above me when i lived in the basement of this very house, one stabbing the other near the crotch. and then there's the neighbors i now have above me on the second floor who call the cops on each other during heated domestic conflicts while their parrot whistles and mimics the ringing phone.
and it's so cold you forget you once had balls as they have disappeared to parts unknown within your person.

you know the feeling.

b

paint exploits

here are some microsoft paint pictures i made really late the other night on the road. i was super tired but i couldn't sleep and i didn't the attention span to watch a movie. so i made these.
here they are in the order i did them: