i may disappear and blue humor

i may disappear for a while. tonight we embark on teh task of editing our dvd projest, tentatively titled, Occupation: Future Guy. it's going to be a buttload of work and a pooload of fun. one emerging from the other.
i've never editing anything longer than maybe twenty-five minutes. this venture will end up being 1 hour of main content (sort of a string of unrelated sketches) with about 20 minutes of deleted and extra crap, never mind the dvd authoring of menus and such. it's all coming from about twenty hours of film plus one hour of stuff we haven't yet filmed. it must be ready by feb 23 for our rip to austin where we expect to sell many copies of it. with a sizable tour and the national conference coming before then, that leaves fourteen days to get it done.
i may disappear for a while.
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blue humor
in the shower it dawned on me. blue humor, toilet humor, gross-out, dick jokes, poon comedy. Whatever you want to call it, you must uyse it sparingly. it's like trick plays in football. if you use it at just the right time in the right situation and execute it well, it works great and pans out beautifully. but if used too often or not with proper delivery, you lose the respect of your opponent (the audience who is mostly searching for a reason to not like you.) don't play into their hand. try to run a fake punt every time it's 4th down. eventually they'll squash you for being predictable, the enemy of comedy. comedy is supposed to be a surprise. that's why it's called misdirection, not telegraphection.
our show in springfield was about pissing on plants. (hey, it WAS the suggestion.) we should have known better thatn to overuse it but i think we did just a tad. and even in notes afterwards we all admitted to trying to resist the urge, but not being able to. eventually we hit with a couple pissing jokes, but i wasn't satisfied overall with the sheer volume of the urination comedy. some of them landed, most of them made people squerm. i think we relearned that blue suggestion lesson. you have to learn it every once in a while. to take a blue suggestion and follow it with blue humor is bad foresight and bad execution. to take "pissing on plants" and make it about something related to but not thriving on pissing, is more admirable.
we got it though. point taken.

excuse me, now, while i disappear for a while.

b

limping along

my computer has been restored to partial greatness. however, this morning when i woke up and turned her on my office suite was gone. i have no word, excel, or any of that other stuff that i need to do some of my jobs. and it's just gone. i will say, however, that microsoft tech support was spot on with helping us figure the whole thing out and get the computer back in working order. i had a trojan virus that ate through my java and then moved onto office. so i'll have to attain a new copy of that. i believe aide is on the way.
i also got a free copier/printer and a fax/copier/printer from the ladies upstairs. apparently, they couldn't get it to work and they know i have a business so they offered it up. real nice. one of them said they both have small problems like the big printer won't feed the paper out correctly. maybe we can fix her up.
the fellas in cupholders move into the basement tomorrow. three dudes in my old garden apartment just below bill and jeff and i. tis a mighty tight space for three dudes. luckily, they're WAY into each other so it shant be too bad. the huge bonus is now they're right in the same house. business will get done much easier and cheaper. we'll be able to split internet and phone bills and not buy as much gas or transit for rehearsals and meetings. real nice. and it demonstrates to me that they're willing to make pretty big concessions based on their pay. they'll downgrade if it means having more leverage with their miniscule income.
i'm really looking forward to our wittenberg and dayton shows this weekend. i like central ohio. and its people.
so, i've recovered a bit from yesterday although everything is not absolutely rosey as the same problems still linger. but it will improve.

b

coming to you live from mozilla

what the f**k?
why is my computer stupid? did i do soemthing to deserve antoginaztion from a metal box full of wires and stupid blnknig lights. i'm really frustrated. i'm not weven going to edit this post when i'm done. just going to leave all the ytpos. i'm just that angry. my explorer won't display any java scripts so i've switched to mozilla. but i' don't like change. change makes me uneasy.

compound this problem with alack of funds and a company meeting earlier tonight and you have one sad joe . . . named jeremy. the employees are getting restless and have decided getting paid well below the poverty level is undesirable, nay unacceptable. meanwhile, i have not ta'en dollar one from this project. this semester i have decided to pay myself and that cuts into their action. plus, we got a lot fo loans and credit card debt. they want to just put off the creidt card debt and don't understand that the DEBTS are the reason we're all getting screwed. if we erase the debt with some really tough months of tightening our belts and not buying records and mcdonalds and cigarettes and beer we cuold cut into the debt something special. and it's my debt because i AM the company. someone even suggested not paying payroll taxes or reporting their wages. ha, like i'm going to put everything i own albeit a miniscule estate at that on the line so they can make an extra 15%. it's just really cheeses me off the whole thing. and they';ve got me all suvbconcious about how i treat busines matters and that i need to relax, etc. etc. but it's like they don't know what;s at stake. our career, our livelihood and all my shit.
we'll prob have no income in the summer and that means i'm making van payments and car insurance payments myself. cuz the business will have nothing at the endo of this semester. so, i'm out roughly $1500 this summer which is less than i'll pay myself this semseter in toto.
i know this can work. i'm just really feeeling the first year new business blues. damn. if only i knew i'd have to buy a printer cartridge once every two months and pay employees on top of all kinds of othre stupid tiny expenses that add up to a seeming infinity of being in the red, i'd have not bought anything that was not absolutely necessary. bitter pill, lumps, medicine, whatever you call it i have leanred my lesson on business expenditures. no more limousines to mickey d's. no more crystale toasts after every show, no more prostitutes. a business owner's cul de sac. a place where pussy leaders go to die. well, you're not going to get me. you hear me computer? yo hear me, medical bill collector? you hear, max headroom? i don't owe you my anything. none of you.
sometimes i wish i was an alcoholic so i would have some way to cope with this crap. i already ate my ice cream and i don't feel like watchiign porn. i 'll probably just publish this and sit here thinking about the pros and cons of this whole situation. maybe i;ll sleep at some point. everything will be better tomorrow. some reversal of fortune will fall in my lap and presto! all will be mended. goodnight

country song

you know how i said i was having trouble writing a funny county song. well, my dad sent me this:

A COUNTRY SONG FOR JEREMY

I lost my boat in the flood,
I lost me pick-up in the mud,
I lost my wife to my best friend Bud,
And I'm so sad and lonely

I lost my money playing slots,
I lost my clothes, the whole damn lot,
I lost my mind while smokin' pot,
And I'm so sad and lonely

I lost some weight when I got sick,
I lost my balance on a pogo stick,
I hit the chair and bruised my dick,
And I'm so sad and lonely

I found a new boat and on sale,
I bought a pick-up from my new friend Dale,
I got a new wife, name is Gale
So I'm not sad or lonely

I made some money on a bet,
I got new clothes from the store Target,
I smoke no more which I regret,
But I'm not sad and lonely

I sold the broken pogo stick,
I found a Doc who fixed my dick,
I sold the chair to a fellow hick,
So I'm not sad and lonely
_______

Alright. way to go pops. sounds likeone for the country album which i hope we someday make. all we have to do now is edit this friggin DVD and finish up the rap album. then it's on to the country album and the poetry/short story collection novella.

we may just end up not having time for improv.
ha, never happen.

nice work, pops. you should never left Texas.

b

There's something really funny about a short guy walking like he's all hard.

the ruse of the week

i have not been writing in my blog for the past week. most of you know by now that it was kind of a little practical joke me and my friend mike d. played on everyone. except that he had great and fun things happening to me, while i had him get into a car accident with a milk tanker. hey, i thought it was funny. but it kind of stirred up a little comotion amongst the readers of his blog and i feel bad because they were very concerned about his safety. that was stupid. i wish i had more chances to write in his blog this past week but i've been superbly busy.
i'm also sorry to everyone who was roped into his schemes. unfortunately, i am not going to be in the second city mainstage show, nor am i going to appear in a food network special on cheap meals. i DO want to move back to austin, but that's a career impossibility.
and, most importantly, i will never quit or consider quitting improv as long as i live.

sorry again to anyone who congratulated me on these fake successes and screw you to anyone who didn't believe me.

goodnight,
b

weird shit

Ok, so it's been quite the weekend.

First, on Friday night I go up to Second City to catch their free improv jam, and, long story short, I get into a fight with one of the actors in the middle of the show, because their "improv" is something that I've seen them do before, word for word. I realize it's a total scam, and that it's free, but don't advertise something as improv when it really isn't.

So, I've had a couple of snorts of whisky by this time, and I'm feeling a little brave. And that's when I call bullshit by literally calling "Bullshit!" in the middle of one of the scenes. So, it escalates into a thing, and I'm yelling, and they break and start to yell and me, and then the front-of-house manager comes to throw me out, but then the actor, Brian Boland, tells me that, if I'm so good, why don't I get onstage and 'prov.

Next thing you know, I'm onstage at Second City, actually improving and blowing these people away. Wait...it gets better. Now, Mick Napier, who is the director of the review, is in the house, and sees me do this, and he's a guy that has mad respect for someone with balls. So he hires me on the spot. No shit. So, starting in eight weeks, I'm going to be rehearsing for the new mainstage show at Second City, "Manifest Destiny Turns on the Radio". In short, all of my improv plans have just accelerated about two years, and I'm going to be singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" at Wrigley Field with the cast of the show in May.

Life's funny that way sometimes, isn't it?

b

synergy

I'm trying to think of a good way to blend improv with this chance I've been given to appear on the Food Network. After all, life is too short not to maximize opportunities. I was thinking that maybe I would bring the Cupholders to Terre Haute and pretend to either burn or poison them on national television. That would certainly make good ratings. And then, since I understand that part of this is to be a live event, I would throw my molten ramen concoction into the air and tump over the other competitors' foodstuffs. What the hell, it cost them each less than $5, but would cement my place in television history.

Or, I could just try and win the damn thing, pay off the van, and put a down payment on a house back home in Austin. That's probably more likely.

_____________________________________________________________________

I've been listening to a lot of Eric B and Rakim lately. Those guys sure could throw the verse. Makes me think that Bill and I should dress like them for Hallowe'en this year. Or maybe just for fun on a Wednesday afternoon.

More later.

b

just what I needed

I got a letter today.

I entered a recipe contest a long time ago from Betty Crocker, wanting the best recipe for a whole meal under $5. So, I sent in my recipe for cheesy egg hog ramen surprise, and it won. So now I have to fly to Terre Haute on the good people at Pilsbury and display my wares for a contest. So, my first exposure to the big time, it seems, is going to be taped for a Food TV special. Can you believe that shizzy?

Maybe this is Buddah's way of telling me to stay in the prov business and spend the prize money on the Cupholders.

Praise Allah.

b

p. prov provington

I'm thinking of giving up improv for good. Last night I had a dream about being an event planner, and I kind of liked it. The road is fun, but I'm thinking it might be time to settle down a little and make a little money.

Over the holidays, I got comfortable. Now, I'm thinking I want to save some cash and buy a house. Maybe a dog. I haven't figured out how to tell the Cupholders yet, but I'm thinking pretty seriously that this could be my last year doing this. I'm tired.

Just thinking out loud.

b

back to barrow

the hits keep coming

b

ps - be sure to check out the slide show!

george carlin type stuff

reading the new carlin book, when will jesus bring the pork chops, and on the van ride up from texas i wrote some carlinesque stuff.

WARNINGS

- in case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, you eyes might explode.

- lift with your knees, not your shins.

- please keep all hands and feet inside the skin.

- the bigger they are, the more likely they are to be good at basketball.

- last and probably least, otherwise why would i be saying it last.

- master of all trades, jack of none.

- fight fire with fire, especially if you want twice as much fire.

- quitters never win and winners never quit, unless it looks, like, really hard to win.

that's all,
b

buck fifty

looks like we're all settling on 150,000 as the death toll for one of the saddest things to ever happen, ever. i was watching the nightly news a few days ago, something i rarely ever do. they finished up 15 minutes of tsunami coverage talking about all the death and destruction and how over a hundred thousand people were dead or missing and then they cut to a story about floods in california remarking about the damage and how 5 people had been killed. 5? whew, our infrastructure is screwed now. 5.
150,000
5
it's a much longer number.
____________________________
on a completely different note but still involving weather, it's usually an 18 hour drive from austin to chicago but because it rained the entire way (and that is not an exaggeration) it took around 22. not a big deal except that i had planned to work a theatre lighting call wednesday at 9 am in the suburbs. so we just had to go straight there. i was running on probably around 2 hours sleep having commuted for 22 hours before working for about 7 hours. so that sucked. i came home and stayed up for a little while, passing out around 11pm. it's been a while since i was asleep at 11pm.

i did some writing in the van on the way up as i couldn't sleep. i wrote a couple country songs hoping that its the next album the cupholders make. a classic country one. i was trying to write funny songs but every one i started in a funny way turned out sad. the main character would always die or end up in prison. i guess that's the nature of country music in a lot of ways. it's supposed to be sad. so, i read a couple of the ones i had written to bill and explained that i was couldn't seem to write anything funny. he told me to write a song about a chicken with retarded donkeys for legs. haven't started it yet, but look for that one on your local radio sometime soon.
__________________________
i'm back in chicago preparing to meld into the crowds of improvisers who don't respect me because they've never seen me rock. it's so different from austin. we did three shows in three weeks in austin and had crowds of 50, 65, and 60. one standing ovation, one partial standing ovation, and one sitting ovation. nonetheless, they were all three really good shows in front of great audiences. here, we can expect maybe 20 people, most of whom are either improvisers in the group going after or before us or just normal people who are there to see other groups. it makes for a tough crowd sometimes. if audiences only knew that if they traveled in groups of 50 or more packed tightly into a bunch and were ready to laugh at all times without worrying about what others think it would make my life much easier.
isn't that the when the best things happen? when you're in a room with a bunch of people, maybe strangers, maybe not. maybe your trapped in an elevator or serving time, or doing jury duty. but once everyone just drops their facades and shows themselves, anything can happen. that's when you have life changing experiences. like mass suicide, or a great scientific discovery, an orgy, or maybe great improv. but it has to be a group effort. if there is one guy who doesn't buy it, everyone gets nervous about showing a part of themselves.
i once did a format for a solo show where i brought everyone up onto the stage to improvise with me in groups of one two or three. absolutely everyone was forced to get up on stage. and once everyone knew everyone else was going up, too, they weren't as nervous or judgemental about the work. and i'm sure thay gained a new appreciation for the art form of being up in front of strangers trying to make them do something; laugh.
i remember some of the scenes. they was the one with the brother and sister that i mistakenly thought were dating, so i put them in a love scene. i narrated from the side and tried to get them to kiss repeatedly. really funny. i also directed a scene with my step-dad, a pistons fan, and mike joplin, a lakers fan. i made them commentators who had to praise the opposite team that they liked in real life and it was right after the pistons had trounced the lakers in the finals. there was also the scene where an older lady who had never been on stage before was really nervous. i paired her up with an improviser i knew in the audience and told her i would whisper her lines into her ear, she didn't have to worry. i fed her maybe the first two lines before she just took over and PROVed the hell out of that room. she was hilarious and she was feeling it for the first time in front of people. that's a life changing experience. and it was all because the whole room was relaxed to a certain extent. their egos were knocked down to a workable state of vulnerability. and just about all the scenes were really good, at least entertaining. no one was afraid of failure because they knew it was only for the people in the room and no one else.
it's like strip poker. strip poker only works when everyone in the room is at risk for showing themselves. if there's one dude who "just wants to play poker" he needs to be convinced or removed. everyone must have the same stakes or everyone chickens out. everyone has to be the same amount of vulnerable. and that includes to girl who has to get naked and eventually puts a napkin over her bits. well, what's the point? you're copping out.

so everyone must now travel in groups of fifty or more really excited people willing to drop their B.S. faux faces in order to experience something great. and they must all be naked. this will make for great life changing experiences and incredible improv. and as usual, a good realty show.

it is written,
b