Some days...

I look like my dad.
And other days I look a lot like my dad.
Today seems to be one of those days.

That's all,
b

KY, MD, NYC, CT photo post

just completed an arduous tour of duty going to entertainment conferences and doing a show in CT. had a great time and here we present the highlights of the photos that were ta'en.


here's our booth set-up in Kentucky.


Here's our team of crack salesmen. I mean our crack team of salesmen.


Here is booth table complete with demonstrational cds and hand-made origami cups, a surprising hit with the students for freebies.

This is the main attraction for the booth. It's a box for a life-size action figure. We take turns getting into the box in a frozen position while people come up and test us with the buttons on the right, one to move, one to talk. We'd have little conversations, arguments, or improv scenes with people who wanted to repeatedly push the buttons. Strangely enough, lots of people were deathly afraid of the box and would not enter our booth. It was tough to sell them needless to say. After this next conference in Arlington this weekend we'll have to come up with something else equally sweet and in no way terrifying.


About to go into the box, Mike is the Ninja Assassin.


Ace as The Dollar Billionaire was met by a monkey that mimicked his every move.


In Maryland, our booth was next to Bob Guiney of ABC's The Bachelor. He had long lines of college girls clogging the aisle in fron of our booth so Jon decided to help speed things along by helping Bob pose for his "Ops." as in photo opportunities. Bob was a really nice guy and totally aware that he was in a weird situation. He said at the end of the day, "Well, I definitely get the award for being the guy who did nothing to be here." and he also hated the show and it's producers which is always comforting for us up and comers.


Standard Mike asleep shot probably taken somewhere in Ohio.


Somewhere in Maryland.




This is the sunrise on our overnight drive from KY to Baltimore, somewhere in Maryland. It was super beautiful and I meant to actually take a picture of the sky, but instead I took a picture of the reflection of the sky and it turned out better.


Whitestown and Brownsburg. Sometimes segregation has no shame.


Speaking of having no shame.


The Cupholders play futbol in central park. good times.

a good trip all in all. almost zero fighting among the tribe and good potentiality for future cupholder shows.
now i have to make more demo cds for arlington.

exes and oes,
b

Found some more poetry

looking for a really old sketch that an old friend requested, i have discovered some older poetry that i wrote for a class back in college.
huh, back in college. i sound really old now that i say that.

anyway poetry. i'll say it again, i hate poetry and it has to be really good to stand alone without music or pyrotechnics. the following is none of these things.

so, poetry:

Dear Larry (regarding the relevant voidtion),

I can’t help but feel for your situation.
I understand all the crying, the tossing, the turning.
The acquired voidtion.

I can’t help but feel sympathy for you.
After all, you are much of an abbrev. you.
The -iated being a portion of this voidtion.

I can’t help but feel sorry for your new limits.
After all, I am the one with the armoire
that caused said voidtion.

I can’t help but feel . . . well, implicated.
After all, it was my apartment we were clearing out.
The apt. that perpetrated aforementioned voidtion.

I can’t help but feel responsible.
After all, I was the one that pushed the fucker onto you from the third floor window.
The one that created the voidtion (see above)

I can’t help but feel relieved.
After all, I won’t have to look at you for a while.
Due to applicable voidtion.

I also can’t help but feel more relieved.
After all, I’ll be getting to date your girlfriend.
Voidtion, n. empty pain.
[see fig. 1]






fig. 1

AND I can’t help but feel overjoyed.
After all, you’re in so much pain you can’t even kiss your mother.
Precursory voidtion to blame.

Hope you get well soon,
but die sooner.

Kip

++++++++



+++++++++

Here's one that came out of a silly exercise where you free write (just spew anything) for two minutes than go back and remove every third word:

Product of My Exercise

flock to new place
kid’s time stopped
for to flow and in goes in
toare no for time
tick tock bad in desolate room
stops and crash to floor
rays with sunlight
creaks lines
lines flipping itself folds
couch taft lights sun
sunlight is from the sky zenith
constellation dots canvas blips
time circles confusion blip blip
i’m the clockface slowly at knot’s hands
update the space
i get to you
to destruction
count it down the hands as radar
10 9 76 43 1 over
starts again we are no more
you, me, us
time forever


IT's better if you read it twice for some reason???
++++++++++++++

The Flight

When you stand and you’re all alone,
Your mind is wounded and prone.
People may stare,
Up in dark like a flare.
Tilting down to squint at blood and bone.

++++++++++++++

Upside Down

A town can be a messy place,
Where men and women get shot in the face.
Where the proles unite,
And make day out of night,
While the blue make chase with haste.

Amateurs with guns,
To stop the nasty ones,
And the good get pulled from their trucks and beaten.

So scream and throw and loot and haul,
For tomorrow is a tougher day for ya’ll.
Take what you can while the law is light,
And burn the smoke to block the light.

But be weary of those citizens with caps,
Or you may be thrown and hauled perhaps.

+++++++++++

things to help make a good day

spree
clouds
supplies
mild temp
an airy auto
periodic hot dogs
a faraway destination
someone else’s credit card
a trunk with plenty of space
a smile for everyone you meet
the gal of your dreams on your arm
liquor stores with no security cameras
paper thin sheriffs blown by passing cars
the border of your choice

++++++++++++

some of those i can really get behind. there's a couple of really stupid ones i left outfor your own good.
maybe those will be on the outtakes for the dvd of my blog, if i could just ever get that made.

sleepyTime,
b

ps - i hate poetry.
but it can be therapeutic. give it a shot. i want to read poetry written by my parents because i don't think i ever have. my inbox better be flooded tomorrow afternoon when i get up.

new york city

i really like new york. today, i went to check out times square and played soccer with the cupholders in central park on a really nice kickball field. it was a lot of fun. times square was way sweeter than i thought it would be. the ads were Friggin Yuge (which by the way is going to be the name of my debut hip-hop album.) normally, i'm not down with gigantic displays of capitalism but in the case of times square it's more like a yuge massive moving art piece. with all the people and the moving lights, the most up to the minute technology in video screens, and innovative advertising ideas. pretty sweet. i can definitely see myself living here eventually after everything in chicago runs its course.
the conferences have been great for the cupholders. we're making a lot of great contacts and seeing what our competition is all about. its been strange and awesome to be on the road for so long. my clothes smell terrible, i'm tired almost constantly, i lost a pair of jeans, but i'm getting closer and closer to my holder compadres. it turns out our show in connecticut tomorrow is actually for a bunch of delegates for schools in the northeast. somewhere around 150. a good show tomorrow means more than just a sweet show under our belts, it could mean more gigs in the spring out this direction which is probably the region where we meet our greatest competition.
also, i'm hugely in debt to everyone and everything.
merry christmas.

b

I AM A HUGE IDIOT

in an effort to bring comedy into the light and expose things that strike me as funny or incorrect i have made some wrong calls. i am slowly learning that the life of one who makes fun of things and people is bound to receive some retaliatory strikes.

the problem is, i don't know exactly what to do about this. i shouldn't back down from something that i've said that i still think holds true and is still funny. but at the same time, i have no intention of hurting anyone's feelings or creating enemies. it is merely my intention to point out the little things that are happening that are either absurd or malicious. i know if someone attacked me on a web site or a blog, it would be all out war and i would do my best to destroy them for striking first without warning or what i would deem due cause. but, in the case of crimes against the world, i am not striking first and i am striking to avoid further embarrassment for fellow humans.

my strikes have been for the most part justified and for the most part pretty funny. however, due to a rising number of retaliatory strikes i have decided to curtail the number of people i slam in my blog. sometimes, i will not be able to help myself. but for the most part, i will have to in order to remain someone that everyone feels good about instead of thinking i'm a dick just because of what my blog personna is writing about.

and please note, this guy would have had to go WAY deep into the archives of my blog to find that post as well as he would have had to do some searching on all of my other web sites to obtain the bob ross photo which he used to make fun of me in his playground bio. and might i say that i no where mentioned his name in any of my slammings. i merely referenced his picture which is now gone nullifying my original post.

anyway, moral of the story, i'm tired of two things.
1) i'm tired of people taking my comedy so personally, especially people who are in the same industry and understand that pointing out absurdities is our job.
2) i'm tired of feeling guilt for posting something that makes some people feel so good, and others feel attacked.

i'll have to find some kind of balance.

b

TOUR ONE photos

Here are some photos from the first Cupholder tour to Austin and Oklahoma:


This is Cupholders minus me outside a crappy diner in Oklahoma.


Ace holding on.


Here's me sleeping in the van.


Here are some circles. Taken on Congress Avenue in Austin.


That sign says "DNA TESTING MOBILE." Yeah, I'd love for this guy to roll up in his Geo and jerk me off.


Jenkens.


Bill sideways with a futbol.

Heading out on a pretty important trip this week. Going to conferences to promote our college show and doing one in Connecticut. I may be gone for a while but that doesn't mean I don't love you.

I love you,
b

The Final Bigly

Show Saturday was good. The audince was horrifically small but I'm starting to adjust to that and it kind of makes everything a bit more intimate. I get to introduce myself to the audience one by one at the beginning and hear their names. They were a powerful crowd of 9? who fed me a good amount of energy during the show. i ahd some really good scenes and some typically very strange and meandering scenes where I continually hunted for meaning and content wasting time bouncing back and forth between characters makeing pointless jokes that don't progress the story. One scene I liked was a monologue of a son at his father's coffin apologizing for not doing whatever. It was pretty heavy drama until I linked it back to the scene just before where a man attacked a board room full of clients and tried to pull their faces off. There was a great moment in the Wake scene when I had them all in dramatic mode. Then I referenced that his face looked good evern though it had been torn clean off. It was the slowest sweetest rolling laughter through the tiny crowd as different people got the joke and were breaking free from the drama of it. I had made what I thought were decent jokes all through the monologue but since I had come out with it being very dramatic and cryish, their brains were not willing to believe I was being funny. And that's what made the end of the scene with the face off joke so rewarding.
I did another scene I liked about a guy who was going into work the next day after having sex with God the night before. It didn't go over swimmingly with the crowd but I was diggin it.
Another one I liked was one about dignitaries in New York. An older man wastrying to unite the burroughs of Manhattan and Brooklyn or be forced to attack Brooklyn. It all made sense in the scene. Anyway, it was a decent scene and later, the tch guy (who did a fabulous job of giving me really strange lighting and sound cues) came out of the booth and used a flashlight as a searchlight type thing. So I made it the guy from Manhattan behind enemy lines in Brooklyn.
I had a good time. I just wish more people would have been there. YAR, as they say.

well, i must sleep. tomorrow, i learn to fly using only dixie cups. wish me luck.

b

Even I Have My Limits

BEARDS

So, tonight I do the last scheuled date for Bigly Huge (Hugely Big). I'm nervous as hell as usual but I'm relieved that I made it through a string of dates of this format. It's my greatest challenge and my greatest anguish but it has brought me some recognition and people are starting to know who I am. I feel it is nearly essential for me to continue doing this format at a lacidasical or whatever the hell that is type pace. book it every once in a while but not actively seek out to destroy my confidence and love for improv by booking a show that drives me nuts. but it would be good for it to appear at festivals and what not every once in a while. it's a good ego boost when it works and cannon fodder in my stool when it doesn't. but you know how that goes.
So, I'm going all at tonight. I'm going to try to go incredibly fast, stump myself, and take unnecessary risks like attempting flips and punching audience member's in the mouth. all except tha last couple things I will try my darn-hardest.
a huge picture of me was in the reader so i'm hoping for a nice audience. saw a show that is part of the same festival that I'm doing tonight and the audience was very small. the very definition of a smattering. hopefully that's just a function of it being 2 in the afternoon. maybe the 9:30 slot will do better. And once again, the headlinging act has canceled making me the headliner by default. i'm starting to think that just hanging around is a pretty important skill. all these other older more respected shows can be flighty it appears. all i gotta do is hang around and keep doing my shows and everything will work out for the best.
This is also a theatre festival so i'm hoping for a crowd that is less like a stand-up crowd expecting a joke every five seconds and more of a deep meaning b.s. type of crowd. it gives me more time to think that way.

here's to a rollicking final performance of a format that has been my greatest toil and my greatest reward.

may it not suck tonight.

b

ps - its funny that if you do a google search for beardedlamb the first thing that pops up is "Did you mean bearded clam?"

Ponytails are stupid.

Bearded Lamb, the Legal Eagle OR To Kill a Bearded Lamb

went to court this morning after not being able to sleep lasat night. i got in bed at around 1am, set the alarm for 9 to give me two hours to get to my 11am court time. i couldn't sleep. too nervous. tossed, turned, etc.
turned on the tv in bed and found a documentary about R.F.K. on P.B.S. It was G.O.O.D. I didn't realize it would turn out to be 3 hours until it was over and I know this sounds stupid but I wanted to know how it ended. Of course, I knew he had been killed but I didn't get all the circumstances in school. I always resented history classes for not getting past WWII and doing a shotty job even at that and everything before it. It was really sad to see his potential snuffed out like that. The documentary was very rosy about his life but did touch on some of the controversy. He was on his way to winning the presidency and changing the country for real. Getting us out of Vietnam (another subject I know very little about, thanks, school,) continuing to push civil rights, and just be an intelligent leader with the best intentions for every man. an everyman's man.
it's the kind of person we need right now in politics, someone with strong convictions and good sight of the downtrodden and victimized. someone who really loves America.
but that's not what we have, and we may never have that again.

but on to my court case as I'm sure that's why you're here.
DISMISSED.
Buyah, Officer Pudge

First, allow me to share with you what happened in bullet form:
- it was roughly 6pm on September 4 of this year
- i was driving down broadway at the speed limit with de bebe in the passenger seat. i had just gotten done with helping her move her stuff into her new apartment, a fourth floor walkup. i had gotten towed from a nearby parking lot before unloading my van of all her things, and had my own moving adventure awaiting me at home after dinner which is where i was heading.
- a pedestrian (who happened to be a policeman in uniform) stepped out of his car (a marked police car) and walked toward the rear of the vehicle
- he was not in a crosswalk nor close to a crosswalk
- his lights and siren were not on.
- i slowed to give him the chance to get out of the way
- i didn't have time to check the next lane for over for cars
- i didn't want to stop in the middle of the street for fear of being rear ended
- i slowed to idle speed and drifted toward the left most part of my lane
- i passed him without incident and continued to a red light
- he got back in his squad car and pulled me over roughly one block from the light i had stopped for
- he informed me that i had hit him
- i explained that i was not aware that i had hit him
- he began to insult and harass me saying the following and i quote directly, edited slightly for the kiddies:

"You f***ing hit me with your car."
"You think this is a f***ing game?"
"You think this is a f***ing joke?"

- i said that i was not aware that i had hit him and that i would have stopped if i thought i had.
- he responded by saying, "You [sic] a lying a**hole. You knew you hit me."
- he asked for my license and insurance all the time insulting me in a loud tone, as if he wanted to fight me
- i've never been so afraid and felt so helpless
- he went to his squad car and i instinctually reached for my phone to call the police because i felt like i was in danger before realizing that was ridiculous, he was the police
- i was genuinely afraid he was going to pull me from the car or ask me to step out of the car to do what he wished with me
- he came back to my car and threw the ticket into my lap saying, "Don't be late for court."
- i asked him what the ticket was for and he said, "It's on the there."
- i asked for his badge number and he replied, "It's on there."
- he then went on to say:

"You [sic] a punk."
"You think you [sic] bad but I can prove otherwise."
"You [sic] trying to show in front of your girl. She saw you hit me and I saw her tell you but you kept driving."
"You ain't [sic] no [sic] gangsta."

- i looked at his badge and nametag to make sure it was the same as written on the ticket
- he saw me looking at his chest and said, "Yeah, the name's Foote, too. You bettah [sic] axe [sic] somebody." as if he wanted to fight me. He continued:

"[sic] You got [sic] any other questions?" inviting me to incite him.

- he went back to his car and i drove away shaking in fear.
- i can't imagine how different things would have been had de bebe not been in the van with me as a witness to his actions.

- it is my belief that he was so angered that i was so close to hitting him that he issued this ticket even though i did not strike him.

some facts:

-4612 n. broadway (the address of the citation) is not an intersection – no crosswalk
-emergency lights were not on
-law says you cannot exit a curb place of safety such as a vehicle if there is a vehicle approaching
-his conduct indicates that his emotion dictated the writing of the ticket for a violation that did not actually occur.
-i did not hear or feel any impact when i passed by him. i remembering thinking that exactly
-i have a very clean driving record with no accidents and one moving violation, no felonies, or misdeameanors, never been arrested or accosted for anything
-i am a good citizen and i don't deserve to be treated this way by someone who is there for my protection.
-i was used as a power trip boost by a bully

This was what i wrote when i was in lawyer mode last night trying to put everything together and prepare myself for questions from the judge. miraculously, i made it to the train by 10am this morning and got to the courtroom five minutes early.
I walked into the courtroom and saw him, everyone's favorite public servant leaning on the little side clerk's desk. He was still too fat to be able to chase anyone.
They do it in big groups starting at the same time.
The bailiff guy told everyone to stand and the judge entered. he started to go over his ground rules for the courtroom. he seemed really strict and upset about something. maybe that he was a traffic judge. anyway he was in the middle of his shpiel when another judge entered. there was some kind of last minute scratch on the lineup. The new judge sat down and called the first person name and with an abrupt jolt like the beginning of a roller coaster ride we were off. the first person he called approached the bench where i assume they normally ask questions of the accused and all that. the judge looked at some paper in front of him and said, "OK, you owe $50 for this, cna you pay that today?" or something to that effect. It was more of the smae for all the people he called up. "Do you have a City Sticker now? Yes? OK, case dismissed." "Who was driving? You, you owe $75. Can you pay today?"
I'm thinking alright this is either really good or really bad for me. He called Mr. Lamb and I walked up with my bulleted sheet of what had happened in hand. The judge made no eye contact with me, read something in front of him, and said, "Is there anyone here who was involved in the accident with Mr. Lamb?" I waited for Officer Power Tripp to stand and testify. Nothing happened. "Case dismissed."
I slowly turned around and looked at him, sitting in the front row as I made my way back to pick up my bag. Nothing. He just looked forward.
What the hell had just happened? all of this heartache and worry i put myself through. looking for a lawyer and then procrastinating hiring one. all the blood pressure i had built up thinking about this prick and nothing. I'm baffled by this. Did he take some kind of mercy on me and if so why was he there in the courtroom? Did he not want me to spill the beans about he treated me? or as my roommate suggested, did he just not realize that it was time for him to stand up? I'd like to think it is the first of those options and that he felt some compassion for my situation, however, I'm leaning toward a space-out situation the more I think about it.
Whatever happened, I'm glad of several things.

1) That I did not hire a lawyer which would have been a huge waste of time and money (NOTE: The lawyer I almost hired told me that I would probably be convicted and get a fine of $7500. He said, "I wouldn't go into court without a lawyer." More proof that lawyers are not composed 80% water like the rest of us humans, but rather another substance that comes from bulls asses.

2) That I did not file some kind of complaint with the police department which might have escalated him into bringing the fire when the time came.

3) That I don't have to make payments on some kind of huge fine that the judge could have easily passed down.

4) That this whole thing is finally just over.

5) That I am not a cop.

Now I can say that it is fully resolved and that it;s all behind me. I can get back to my silly life of doing improv with my friends for money. It's kind of like RFK's life or rather nothing like it at all.

b

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I think I'm going to grow a pony-tail.

FINALLY

I just decoded the unbreakable birthday message to myself. it was this:

Before enjoying a gourmet meal, sample a rare vintage or imbibe in your favorite libation as you enjoy spirited conversation with new found friends amid the opulence of the convivial Grand Bar.

that's it? a crummy commercial?

i'm never drinking ovaltine again.

what a silly message to send to myself. what could it mean? i don't even know what it means, but what could it mean?

birthday in code

this is an uncrackable code birthday message to myself:

jkjhgydet6 fwse ydg io oie p dmo i ][ jse ioi f[ fsjfsy ziang, fastidiuous, jiu sian ping feng shui schway [ - fjherucnein lichten. casters.

in five years i will have forgotten that this was an uncrackable birthday code that i have written to myself.
i will attempt to decode it. i will work tirelessly for hours, days, years, until i give up and realize it is uncrackable at which point i will sell all my real estate holdings and begin working on the first privately funded manned space flight, provided that hasn't already happened on my birthday, today.

alright, so it;s not the first privately funded manned space flight, but it is the second and the ushering in of a new era for commercial space travel. check out the link at the bottom about richard branson of virgin announcing plans for virgin galactic, as if having your own airline wasn't enough, now he's gotta have his own spaceline. but seriously folks, i could not be more excited about this. and they're saying the tickets will be around $200,000 and be available in around 15 years i think it was. WOW. really sweet. much cheaper than i thought it would be and i'm sure cheaper than the first commercial airliners back in the whatever decade that happened. cool, i can't wait to put out another mortgage on my theatre to go into space in 20 years. SPACE PARTY. maybe space will hold the key to this damnable uncrackable message i recieved yesterday from an anonymous birthday admirer. this dern code! BLAST!

OFF! take me to heaven and leave me there. i want to see it. i want to go through buzz aldrin's space trash. some old tang packets and utility bills he left up there. just floating.

time to go. i have to look into booking the cupholders on cruis ships for next summer so we don't bankrupt while school is out of session. and of course being paid to be on a cruise wouldn't be terrible. maybe horrific, but definitely not terrible.

time to go. download some old john frusciante solo songs. i think you'll find them uplifting.

goodbye. time to go.

b

just look at their faces. they're not having a good time. have some decency, dog owner.
thanks, bebe for this photo in my inbox.

my house

i don't know what it is about my house and actually whoever is living one floor above me but it appears as though there has been another gay domestic violence happening in my house.

back in the day i lived in the basement and on the first floor lived a gay couple. they were cool enough guys, did laundry a lot, and usually in their underwear. but anyway they used to get into hardcore shouting fights with each other and i could here it all from downstairs in the basement. lots of cursing and sometimes i could swear i heard things being thrown and every once in a while i would see them wacked WAY out on some kind of drugs, who knows what. i'm to goody twoshoes to know what the hell they were into.
well one evening a policeman came to my door asking for one of the guys upstairs. i told him they lived upstairs and wondered why he had come around to the back of the house where my front door was. about a week later one of them tells me that the other one had stabbed him during a fight. OKAY. someone was stabbed in my house. that's a little strange. later i found out that the stabbing took place in their bed, the wound near the groinial region. YIKES. not only was someone stabbed in my house, but they were stabbed in bed near the important stuff by their gay lover, and it turns out in the room where i am now typing this letter and where i sleep every night. i hope the ghost of his jimmy isn't still hanging around here looking for redemption, in the form of intercourse.

so that was a while ago. i moved upstairs after the bebe left. today i was back here in my room typing away at some hilarious quip no doubt when my roomie walks in and tells me that one of the ladies from upstairs is getting arrested. i make my way to the front of the house to watch it all happen from the front windows. i pretend i am watching the cubs get beat on tv which is funny because i usually pretend i am watching the cubs win on tv. there are about 7 cops surrounding one of the women living on the second floor and the original tenant (her female lover) standing at a distance. i'm guessing she had called the cops on the other one. it didnt look like there had been any stab wounds so that's good. but damn. what is it about this building? and why is it always the floor right above me. maybe i should move into the second floor because there is no third and then everyone will be happy in my house.

i just hope my roomates can keep it together. their doing really well following the throw the tv through the oven door incident. very funny in retrospect, very messy in the moment.

birthday party for me. NOW.

goodbye,
b

It's October

time to say goodbye to warm summer breeze that makes me feel fine,
time to say so long to the jasmine blowing through the darkness in my mind

see the curtains blowing in the window?

working as an usher at a theatre showing "sing hallelujah," a scorchingly hot gospel revue, i thought i saw the police officer who harrassed me tonight at the opener. he said hello to me and then kept walking saying to a friend, i think i know that guy. i wasn't sure if it was him or not. so he stood by the door kind of where i was and we exchanged glances as if we were eager bar patrons approaching closing time. we were both trying to figure out if he was the guy. eventually he disappeared and my nerves settled. when we opened the theatre for seating i went in hoping that his seat would be in my section so that i could show him to his seat and ask him if i knew him from somewhere. numerous fantasy situations rolled through my mind as i stood at the corner of the theatre scanning the audience for him.
fantasy 1.
"Excuse me sir, do I know you from somewhere?"
"I don't know. I thought you looked familiar, too."
"Hmmm. Are you a police officer by any chance?"
"Ha ha. No, but that's a funny question to ask of someone you recognize."
"Hmmm. Alright, well enjoy the show. Please turn off your cell phone."

fantasy 2.)
I'm standing in the lobby at intermission telling people where the restrooms are as usual. Suddenly he comes at me and choke slams me into the door knocking over the flowers on the lobby table.
"You! I knew it was you. (Whispering) I'm here with my friends trying to to enjoy some good gospel music and you pop up. I don't want to see you no more. (Squeezes harder and leans into to whisper in my ear) I know where you live. I've watched you sleep." He drops me onto the floor and disappears. I go home and begin packing.

fantasy 3.)
"Excuse me sir, do I know you from somewhere?"
"I don't know I thought you looked familiar, too."
"Hmmmm. Are you a police officer by any chance?"
"Yes."
"That must be it. I thinked you pulled me over a few weeks ago."
"Oh. Yeah, I remember you now."
Awkward pause.
"So, I guess I'll see you in court Wednesday."
"Yeah. I love going to court. You know I get overtime for that and it's way easier than my actual job. I should get paid less for it, don't you think?"
"Well, I don't know anything about that sir-"
"Yeah, sometimes I just pull people over and give them tickets so I can get my reward of time and a half for going to court. You'd think that positive reinforcement like that would be bad for the safety and care of the citizens. You'd think that, but really it just makes me feel invincible instead."
"Uh-"
"Well, see you Wednesday." (walks off)
"Uh. Please turn off your cell ph - WHAT?"

Of course none of these happened. Here's what really happened.
I was standing in the corner of the theatre looking around to see if I could see him in the theatre somewhere. From the corner of my eye I saw him coming up the aisle. "Oh, boy. That's him. Keep your cool. If he goes for your throat kick him in the nuts. Deep breath."
"Excuse, where the nearest restrooms at?"
I scanned his face to see if he was checking me out.
"They're pretty far."
"Oh, yeah?" At this point I realized it wasn't him. This guy was far too mild mannered.
"Go back to the lobby, turn right and go down the hall. They're on your left."
He walked off and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I watched the show as usual and thought about the great positive energy in the room and how if only he were actually here we could experience the intense love of the show together. The singers are amazing and fill their songs with such passion for something they love whole-heartedly. If only he were there sitting next to me. Smiling clapping, laughing, just enjoying something pretty pure and designed to make you feel something powerful that makes all your tiny indiscretions seem unimportant in the grand scheme. If only...

I go to usher the show again in a couple hours. It drains me in some ways. I'm jealous of their devotion to something I can't see. I've struggled life long with Christianity and how I'm not it. Continuosly jealous of my friends or whomever that has felt the touch. But I'd rather be jealous than be something I don't believe in. I guess I just wish I could experience something with my couterpart so that we can put the tiniest of stupid situations behind us and move into the future as friends and not enemies.

And for my lawyer, this does not count as talking about the trial because it didn't turn out to actually be him.

And for everyone else, I have no lawyer.

And for me, I have no chance of winning this case.

PRAY FOR ME, BROTHERS.
b